I want to respond to this post, having an inside track so to speak, on DID. I don't like the word "disorder". The whole phenomenon is a very create survival response to horrendous abuse and trauma, not a disorder. I've watched quite a few videos about DID and read a lot of books over the past four years. One of the most helpful was Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard Schwartz in helping me gain knowledge and come to terms with what was happening with me in concrete terms. There is so little understanding of how the brain/mind works but it's growing all the time.
I had many episode of missing time throughout my life and kept them hidden, even from myself and swept under the proverbial carpet until I ended up in hospital four years ago when my neighbour witnessed an "episode" and called 911. I couldn't tell him what day it was or where I worked and couldn't stop violently shaking. I came back to my conscious self four hours later with no memory of how I ended up in hospital, in a gown, couldn't remember what day it was. On a humourous note, I was relieved when the nurse asked me if I could tell her what month it was. Good thing she didn't ask me what day it was.
伟大的祝福都是on the forum and introduced to the Work years before and the idea of the little i's. I have come to see the parts that fractured off as a more extreme end of that spectrum. Unlike the woman in the video I set upon a course to recover memories, the events that sent these precious little "kids" into exile, to the shadow place, as they call it. I made a conscious choice to take responsibility in a way that some people cannot, to uncover, face, and process these memories with the strength of me in the present, the adult, using EMDR first of all with a very compassionate therapist. She commented many times how I would not back down. I had to KNOW. Unfortunately, she did not have any experience with DID but did provide a safe place and a presence for me to work through so much. Looking back I was re-traumatized to a large degree but I do not regret the process. How could I leave these traumatized parts to carry the burden any longer? In retrospect, it took at least two years of doing EE regularly to open the pathways(?) for the first memories to surface.
It's hard to put into words the feeling of fried circuits when I came back from missing time. As I worked at building new pathways I would still have intense flashbacks and had a couple of times when I missed a week of work because my nervous system was so overwhelmed, but no matter the intensity, I held on to the present while holding the terror stored in my body, becoming the responsible adult the parts had never known before. Luckily my supervisors were sympathetic when I gave them a thumbnail of what was going on, plus years of being a conscientious, hard-working employee, they cut me some slack.
NeurOptimal has been so helpful. The universe put a trainer in my path who is very familiar with DID, having used NO for 6 years at addiction clinics. She has seen it all and is so matter-of-fact about the whole business, asking if "anyone came out" after a session. From the outset of coming to terms with my mental processes, I determined that I could integrate, that it was not a lifelong sentence while not pressuring any part of me to integrate and "disappear". They are all parts of me. I like the analogy of the porcelain vase. When it is shattered, it can be glued back together and the repaired vase is much stronger than the original, although the cracks will always be visible. My cracks are on the inside and constant reminders of the power of being present with my thoughts and emotions. It's a fine line to walk and what has been a tremendous help is the much wider scope of this forum, the AIMs and my place in it, the one small drop in an ocean. Knowledge protects.
I have always been reticent to talk about this. There was a great deal of shame. The more I learn, the more knowledge I gain, that feeling of being a crazy freak lessens and I experience more acceptance of the strength it took to survive and joy and appreciation for the courage and tenacity of all of the parts of me that brought me to this point. I hope I don't sound melodramatic, but a balance of appreciation without self-importance. Most people on this planet are traumatized to one degree or another as Heller describes in Healing Developmental Trauma. It has been such a learning experience and I no longer need to hide. Time to come out of the closet. I feel such gratitude for the creativity and strength that got me here, the forum and the DCM within me.
I hope this makes sense. It's a thumbnail, from the inside looking out.