I don't know how to use the forum, as I haven't participated enough. What I'm trying to do came out as asking for negative attention. Well, I can see that, but it also made me breakdown. It helped me access my emotions. I didn't have to post it, but I thought it would help. I was wrong. I am asking for help. What's been offered has been helpful. I haven't journaled here before, and it seems that I shouldn't have. Not in the way I did anyway.
Acknowledging all the self centered stuff, what I am doing is for my wife and children.
My self-centered fear is not about losing my soul primarily, its about the damage that I'll do on the way down. This is a liability for my loved ones. I am not a Jedi; that wasn't my point. My point is that I'm not trying to be pious, just trying to live practically. I don't mind being considered reprehensible, if it opens me up to help that can protect my wife, children and loved ones.
I'm considered a great father and dedicated husband, not a reprobate. However, I have failed them, and made mistakes that I'm trying to correct. I'm not trying to be "good" as such anymore. That seems too lofty. I've started with trying to be useful. This isn't something I started yesterday, but I do need help in being more useful, consistently, and not a liability.
Practicality:
I do work and try to support them both by bringing home an income, working around the house, taking care of their needs, etc. I've written about all the practical things that I'm doing in a response to Starshine's post.
In trying to be a better man, I'm working on doing these practical things consistently over decades, not a stretch here and there. I'm doing practical things to plug financial gaps and grow our income potential, undoing earlier mistakes. This is for my family. I'm not saying it's altruism, just that it is the aim and that they are the ones who will benefit the most.
One of my last posts here before disengaging for many years, was that I realized the need to have a period of practicum. I didn't feel like reading and posting my philosophizing was helpful. I know that things can remain theoretical for me. So I went out and tested my ideas, practiced, failed, suffered and learned. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it isn't working. I just lost about a $30k contract, and I need to make up the shortfall. I'm doing that practically: selling things, interviewing, taking on min. wage work, etc. I've had 3 interviews this week, and accepted a part time job paying $15/hr while pursuing other/better opportunities. That doesn't feed my ego, or status, but it will pay bills and feed my family.
I've worked long hours, like 16-18 a day. I once worked 30h. I've worked a 105 hr work week, getting my hands dirty, not journaling. I did that for my family. I haven't done that consistently enough to be in a stable position, so I'm looking for support to shore that up. I don't think I'm abnormal psychologically, or morally, but I do see many things that I could do better. I've been trying to do those things on my own, but haven't made large enough strides.
It wasn't my intention to begin posting again regularly, ask for a mirror, or ask for help or feedback on how I am going about things. I had no intention of baring my soul or my sins. Getting slapped the way I did, and waking up to the help that has always been available, is a blessing and a lifeline.
I've been told to take small steps and focus on practical things. I'm taking that advice:
-Find, take and keep work, whatever it is. Check
-Take care of wife and kids: I've cooked most of our meals for a long time, I maintain our vehicles, I clean and do household chores, spend quality family time, learning and having fun.
-Make amends. In the last week, I've had open hearted conversations with my wife and my in laws. I've acknowledged my failings, discussed what practical things I'm working on, and asked for help, advice and accountability.
It was suggested to post more often, engage. I've taken that advice:
-I've posted in Creative Acts, C's session, and to Starshine's thread.
-I've been told I'm not trustworthy.
-I've been shown how I'm doing it wrong.
-I'll continue to acclimate to forum dynamics, adjust and try to do the little things I can to focus on others.
I've been given a new resource in the samenow books and will use it as suggested.
There are people who wake up every day and do those things without batting an eye lash or breaking a sweat and do it for 60 years. I'm not there and I'd like to get there.
How do I ask for help appropriately?
How do I demonstrate to those helping that I'm not wasting their time?
Is it counterproductive to continue posting in these two threads I opened?