Am I off the mark when I say I seem to detect that at some level you as parents didn't make a successful immediate transition from happy self-contained lovers to committed and giving parents? If I've learned anything about being a parent it is that you'd better grow up fast and learn that - as Jordan Peterson put it so bluntly - when you have kids the marriage is no longer about you - its for the kids! And yes he adds its also for the parents/lovers, but essentially I think he is bluntly pointing out that wannabe parents who believe that they have it so good and just need a couple of complicit kids on the mantelpiece to complete their set of perfection invariably make a complete mess of the job because their implicit narcissism cannot make the necessary bridge to putting the kids first, second and near last.
Maybe that applies to me. And if only unconsciously. The relationship with the child was always in the foreground. But maybe unconsciously not.
The assumption about you does not apply to my husband. He "married" our daughter, was absolutely infatuated with her and showered her with affection. She was always his life's work and the two of them cuddled and played all day long. That only changed when she became about seven years old and she only lied to him.
This is clearly a complex long term problem Stern on which I really think you should seek some expert child-parent counseling (if you haven't done so already). But I think there is a lot of confusion going on here and very mixed messaging with many confused issues around parenting responsibilities and boundary making. And about who's job it is to make who feel loved.
thank you for your impulses. it is also difficult to summarize 10 years in a small text. And yes, you have recognized me correctly. It's a confusion of educational issues, border crossing and own programs. And I think that is also the problem. Many factors play into each other. I turned to you in order to see clearly again and to be able to act. Thanks for your ideas.
What was it precisely about/during the pregnancy that made your feelings of negativity rear up even before your daughter was born? Apart from the possibility this implicit per-rejection may - and I saymay- have been absorbed in the womb by your daughter, it is very strong to say you knew this was the biggest mistake of your life before even giving birth...
you are right. i am sure this happens. during the pregnancy i was healthy and happy. No bad feelings, no problems with others. i felt good and i was really really looking forward the birth. We both were looking forward....and the birth was without complications and i need no medicaments....i had a good doctor....everything was perfect.....only this strange second and my thoughts in this moment.
我知道你说你没有出生的大萧条之后布鲁里溃疡t you were clearly in a very confused state and those first days, weeks and months of bonding between particularly mother and child are absolutely essential for that child to develop a sense of safety, belonging and trust. Yes they demand and shout and roar (its all they know) but it is the loving, giving and easy response of giving from the parent/mother that confirms all is safe despite the vulnerability of being born. If this is in any way restricted or based on 'what am I getting from you the child?', then that's a big problem in store..
You see I was kinda of shocked by the title of the thread when I read your whole post. I detect all kinds of hints of you value judging your daughter's responses to you from very early on and that your 'love' as you call it was an act of some kind - and dependent on what she gave back - but you don't seem to have considered that her behavior may well be a product of not believing or trusting or knowing what her boundaries of security, love and support as a young child was - and that her lying tactics etc of alter on may have grown from this, especially as it seems the external issues of her looks and being such a 'top child' with approval by others may have only reinforced her learning that adults cant be trusted and need/deserve to be manipulated - because they don't give truly, freely and without conditionof their true selves.
I am not blaming or accusing - I'm just posing something to think about. Its unfair to say the parents are always to blame; but in most cases that are not to do with some genetic pathology (and I'm not remotely convinced this is what your daughter is showing), I think we need to start with ourselves first. She was a child. You the parent. It was your job to make her safe, especially in those pivotal first 3 years when the three most important hardware programmes of life are laid down - and if they are not, real damage and trouble can emerge for all concerned. I assume you have read Laura on this vital matter of successful imprinting?
you are right. perhaps i had a post natal depression.
And I know that i transfer this to her. I am an empathic person, i wanted to have a baby and I never wanted to do this to her. I was aware of it every second, however, and I agree with you, I couldn't get out of my skin. I always wanted to love my child, I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to think negatively about her. I always wanted to be close.
But I had no tools to change anything inside me. I only felt guilty. And this victim thinking of mine made it even more difficult. Because I didn't change anything, I just rolled around in bad feelings. I'm sorry about that. But I'm different now. And I'm ready to heal.
NOW I have it, and also the strength to save what can still be saved. So I turned to you. So that I can do something NOW! I want to try to make up for it.
You help me to take on the role of observer. So that I can see clearly where I can start.
Thanks for the tip with wave 64. I don't know it, I'm only at chapter 24 and I read the book Seelenhacker. In the forum I read daily.
want to learn to love my daughter unconditionally. Thanks for all the good advice.
(which makes me want to look at offered challenges in the past when avoidance won over tackling them).
